Change

These last six years have been a time of tremendous change for me.  My mother died, my husband's sister and her husband, who had been such a large part of our life for more than twenty years, died and four days after his sister died, my husband fell, went to the hospital and never came home again to live.

I sold my house, disposed of much of my furniture, bought some new furniture, bought new dishes, new bed linens, new towels, new tablecloths and new curtains.  I bought a new car, moved to an apartment, made new friends, lost ten pounds and got rid of much of my old wardrobe and replaced it with clothes two sizes smaller. I changed my hairstyle and got a perm and am trying to rediscover who I am, now that I am no half of a partnership but just me, alone, doing my own thing, eating what I want, when I want, sleeping when I want, getting up when I want, listening to the music I want to hear, reading what I want to read, occupying myself with the hobbies that I want to enjoy, engaging in the activities that I enjoy and socializing with the people I want to socialize with.  My, that is a lot of I's and wants. 

In marriage, my husband's interests and wishes seemed to come first and it was easier to accede to his idea of how to live than to insist on doing things my way part of the time.  I feel like a pillow that has been sat upon too long and finally is returning to its own shape when the weight that kept it down disappears.  Maybe that isn't how marriage should be but somehow, that's how it became.  So many things were not open for discussion and eventually, there was not much left to talk about except "What would you like for dinner today?"

I had hoped for more sharing in marriage, but when you have been betrayed by those closest to you, as my husband had been, it's hard to trust and without trust, there can't be much sharing.  The outward man presented to the general public and the inward man who lived with  me were so different from each other as to be almost unrecognizable.  "Free to be me" was something my husband never felt.  Where he is now in the nursing home he is totally accepted just as he is but there is so little left of what he was.  He feels loved and loves the staff in return but he is very tired.  Sometimes we get a smile out of him but mostly he seems miles away from us.  Our granddaughter dreamt she saw him walking.  When I told him, he got tears in his eyes.  The tears come to him as quickly now as the smiles.  We're losing him in bits and pieces and there's no returning, ever.