O Christmas Tree

For 44 years my husband and the children decorated the Christmas tree with occasional help from me. This is the first time I have ever decorated my own tree alone and so I had to think about "What did I want?" New concept so I went out and bought new decorations and decorated a tree to my taste. My grandchildren enjoyed looking for all the new decorations and next year, I'll get some more special decorations. Christmas will never be the same again and although I don't look forward to Christmas this year, maybe at some time in the future I will again.

It's a year today since my sister-in-law died and set in motion the series of events that brought an end to my married life and changed life for me forever. My husband has forgotten that it's a year since his favourite sister died; he was more concerned with the fact that he hadn't won a prize in the beard growing contest which was judged at the nursing home today. He also wanted his beard shaved off as quickly as possible because he found it irritating. He no longer remembers one day from another or what date it is. His life is measured by events at the home, coffee social, wine club, church, sing song, bingo, movies, breakfast, dinner, supper, bedtime. He says he is happy and glad to be where he is. I am glad for that. My life doesn't concern him unless I miss his teatime too many times and forget to bring his cookies. His life has taken on a new rhythm. Mine is coming together more slowly but my life's opportunities are broadening instead of narrowing so that takes time to work through. In four days, it will be a year that I have been living alone. In times past, a year of mourning for a loved one was considered appropriate and then you took off the black armband, put away the black clothees and started to wear colour, dance and go out again. We no longer mourn openly because no one wants to be reminded of our grief, but the mourning still goes on inside.

Maybe the new year will be different, and better. This new way of life is becoming more familiar and more comfortable. Day by day, the shadow of the past is lightening and the future seems brighter now.