Remembrance Day

I kept hoping our life together would improve - when we no longer had major financial worries, when my husband's family was no longer actively attacking us, when my husband's siblings and mother reestablished contact with him, when we were settled in a permanent home -but although all these happened, the trust had been broken and the love and intimacy that I had hoped would grow out of our initial friendship never materialized. I waited for things to get better and then they got worse.

The job on the Goodale Farm enabled us to get ahead financially but when the responsiblity for the farm was transferred from the Crop Science Department to the Veterinary Medicine Department, the focus of research and the priorities changed and my husband was seen as no longer the right person for the manager job. We moved to the farm in 1976 and by 1980, I could see the situation deteriorating and , after seven years at home with the family, accepted a job offer as an auditor at Revenue Canada to provide financial security in case my husband's job ended. By 1983, he suffered his first major injury since our marriage and it was time to get off the farm. In January, 1983, we bought a house in Saskatoon, and in 1985, my husband left the University farm.

That same fall, a friend from church offered him a temporary job with Agriculture Canada which turned into a ten year position and which he enjoyed. In 1984, my husband's oldest sister and her husband moved to a home a few blocks from us and my husband focused his energies on rebuilding his relationship with his sister. Our friends were neglected as he emphasized socialization with family. By 1987, I was finding the socializing only with one couple that didn't really communicate with me, oppressive and began attending the church of my childhood for a break. My husband asked if that meant I was leaving him, as he was aware that his negative attitude toward me in order to gain favour with his sister was affecting me but my goal was to get some relief from his critical attitude towards me and towards my oldest daughter, with whom he had avoided speaking since she was about 14 and becoming a typical teenager. He was also very critical of the church I had grown up in which my daughter had also joined and married into.

We entertained a lot because in company my husband was sociable, outgoing and friendly while in the family he was critical, uncommunicative and unhelpful with anything to do with housework. This was different from the first twenty years of our marriage but seemed to be a reaction to trying to please his birth family at the same time as maintaining the priviledges of his own wife and children. He doted on his two younger children, who could do no wrong in his eyes, and had only criticism for our oldest daughter, who could seemingly do no right in his eyes.

Because my husband had never come to terms with his past, it continued to haunt him and prevented him from fully enjoying the present. He wasn't able to accept what his mother and siblings had done to him and so had to project that rejection on to others who turned out to be me and my daughter. His rejection took a passive form of little criticisms, lack of praise, lack of physical warmth, flirting with other women and hugging and kissing them in front of me and generally behaving in a way that made me want to limit the amount of time I spent with him. Many a time I drove up to the front door and wished I could just drive away and never come back but it wouldn't have made my life better. He didn't actually want me to leave but he didn't want to trust me either in case I proved in the long run to be untrustworthy.

We spent twenty five years together in our house in Saskatoon. Our sharing became limited to eating together, breakfast, morning coffee, lunch, afternoon tea, supper and conversation centered around "What would you like to eat?" as it was the safest topic and one that wouldn't elicit critical remarks or putdown comments. In 1999, my husband landed in hospital with a parasite picked up in bad water and was never the same again as his mind had been affected. As micro-vascular disease gradually took his skills and abilities, our lives became even more narrowed. Death began to encroach on the family - one brother in 2000, the next one in 2004, my mother in 2005, a brother-in-law in 2006 and finally, my husband's oldest sister,now a widow,in 2008.

The family conflict that had plagued my husband for so long was done. He no longer had to please anyone but himself. The day after his sister's death he raised a toast at the supper table "To us", he said. His health was not good, he was having trouble walking but we looked forward to peaceful and happy times with the family. But it was too late. The stress of the previous years had been too much and he could not be free. Four days after the death of his sister, my husband had a stroke, fell and cracked a hip, and left our home never to return.

He is contented now. He says he loves it in the nursing home, they couldn't treat him better. He can do nothing for himself anymore except feed himself if the meat is cut for him. He visits with the other residents, is cheerful with the staff and watches TV and the pictures on his digital frame to while away the time. Today was Remembrance Day and a friend asked him if he was sad because a tear was rolling down his cheek. "Yes", he replied but didn't specify what made him sad. His mother, his brother and his brother-in-law were all active Legion members so perhaps he was remembering them or perhaps it was the occasion. It was a very beautiful service. The theme of the service was peace and at last he seems to have found peace.

I am still married but I no longer have a husband, is what I tell people. Actually, I lost him already in 2002 when I also lost my mother. The bodies were still there but the roles they had played in my life they were no longer able to play.

So now I am free. I have paid the debt to society that resulted from the birth of my first child. Why I owed a debt to society, I am not sure, but it seems to have been put behind me. Everyone else has forgotten, it's not so easy for me to forget but I am trying.

I would not have chosen the life I have lived but I would not choose to change it because it changed me and I am at peace with the person I have become. I enjoy friendship with my children and my children-in-law, have a circle of friends and relatives that extends to South America and across Canada, and enjoy a variety of activities. Today I am alive and healthy and can enjoy life. I have no guarantees for tomorrow but I also have no regrets. It's been good and I have never been bored. Before I married my husband, I told him that although he might not always be happy, he would never be bored. I've kept my promises, what more can I say?

Time to sign off. I have things to do, new people to meet and new things to learn. What's done is done and can't be undone. The future is now.